Episode Two: Conversation with The Hippie

In the last episode: Our hero was in the bathroom that he shares with his notorious twin sister, Jess, when she suddenly opened her mouth and started speaking of things she didn't know anything about... and not in a High School-esque attempt at answering a question when you haven't read the book, either...

Finally, Jess said...

       "Somebody close to you will die today."
       And then, still looking at me, Jess started laughing again - picking up in mid-laugh, right where she'd left off.
       After a second she stopped laughing and seeing the look on my face, she asked, "What?"
       I didn't know where to begin. How do you tell someone they were just speaking in tongues if they don't remember it?
       Instead, I did the next best thing... I ran from the bathroom and headed downstairs to the kitchen to tell my mom - not out of any concern for my sister, but purely as an attempt to prove, once and for all, that I was the good, honorable, drug-free son of their dreams, while my sister was, in fact, a glue-sniffing, LSD snorting, slutty freak.
        Mom wasn't in the kitchen though. Instead, it was the Hippie, sitting at the kitchen table clipping news paper stories about the government while simultaneously laughing and mumbling under his breath. Fairly convinced that my drug-popping sister would not get due justice from my long-haired other parent, I asked, "Where's Mom?"
       Too many years of divide and conquer attempts had made The Hippie well aware of my tactics, however, and he replied, "Why?"
       There was no sense trying to seek an impartial jury at that point, so I just said, "Jess has gone mental."
       The Hippie sighed. "Now what?"
       "I don't know. She just started talking in tongues, saying all sorts of nonsense."
       This got the Hippies attention.
       "What did she say?"
       "Some nonsense about the stock market and a car crash..."
       Mom came in the living room and said good morning. Both the Hippie and I stopped talking and looked at her.
       "Taylor said that Jess started speaking in tongues," the Hippie noted.
       Mom looked at me and I could tell that she believed me - though somehow it wasn't the kind of belief that I'd been hoping for.
       "What did she say?" she asked.
       I repeated what I'd just said to the Hippie and then added, "She also said someone close to me would die."
       Mom gave the Hippie a grave look, then turned back to me with a smile.
       "Probably nothing... maybe she was sleep walking. Hon, will you get the medicine for that?"
       "Sure thing, dear," said the Hippie.
       The Hippie got up and left the living room. I looked from Mom to the retreating Hippie and decided to try my luck again.
       "Sleep walking, Mom? This could be a serious mental breakdown. We should have her committed or lobotomized or something..."
       "Uh, huh... sure, honey..." Mom was clearly distracted.
       She walked into the kitchen, not really paying attention to what she was doing - her mind obviously racing through some idea or another. I followed her into the kitchen, hoping to get one last dig in before the medicine came out and it was too late to convince her of my awesomeness and Jess's inferiority. But then Mom said something that changed everything... forever.
       "Oh crap," she said, "I burnt your toast."

To be continued...

Episode One: The Oracle of Wi-Fi

       Jess, my blonde nemesis, entered the bathroom just as I was popping a zit.
       "Gross," she said as she looked incredulously in my direction, one eye already admiring her outfit in the mirror, "No wonder why you can't get a date."
       I wiped the zit juice from the mirror with my finger and fought the urge to wipe it on her sleeve.
       "I have standards," I noted. "I don't sleep with every thing that bathes itself in body spray."
       She turned both furious eyes to me as her lips snarled like a pit bulls' around the cage of her retainer. I thought that perhaps I might have crossed a line.
       She threw a tampon at me.
       Manly man though I may be, I shrieked and jumped back and watched the tampon hit the floor in front of me.
       My sister burst out laughing at my shriek. Her laughs bounced around our communal bathroom as I looked around for something to throw back at her.
       Before I could grab the half full toilet paper roll, however, Jess stopped laughing so suddenly that I thought she must have choked on her own bile. I turned, hoping to see her turning blue and gasping for air, but instead the color drained from my face.
       Jess was frozen, like in rigor mortis, with her face composed still in mid-laugh. But she wasn't a statue. She was still breathing. And to make matters even stranger, her retainer was pulsing with a blue light. I took an involuntary step back.
       Jess's face calmed and changed to a blank stare. She was serene, but in some sort of post-hypnotic trance or sleepwalking face or something. I reached out to touch her, maybe shake her awake, but before I could reach her, she started to speak.
       "Your toast will be burnt," she said in an otherwordly voice. It wasn't Jess's voice, even if her lips had formed the words. The voice had a vaguely Indian accent - like a telemarketer had seized control of her vocal chords.
       Then her lips changed into a round shape, like she was about to suck on a lollipop and she made a machine tone, "Boop."
       "Jess?" I asked hesitantly.
       "At 9:10, a four car pile up will cause a thirty minute delay on I-15. There will be no casualties. You will reroute to avoid delays."
       "Jess... you're freaking me out. Stop whatever it is that you're doing."
       "Boop. The Dow Jones Industrial Average will close down 35 points today on late word that terrorists have seized control of an Iranian oil platform in the Gulf. These terrorists will be eliminated by Navy Seal sharp shooters ten days from now."
       I turned to call downstairs for help, but stopped when I heard another Boop. I looked back.
       "Somebody close to you will die today."
       And then, still looking at me, Jess started laughing again - picking up in mid-laugh, right where she'd left off.

To be continued...