Episode Four: Nice Cow

Last time: Jess appeared in the kitchen and was interrogated by her parents and her twin brother, Taylor, about the mysterious things she’s been saying. But just as she was protesting her innocence, she delivered a new message. Mom ordered her to take her medicine that left her completely blank. Then Mom asked Taylor to drive her to school and to come home after school with the school’s resident hottie, Bethany Coulter. Grumbling about such an impossible task, the Hippie also ordered Taylor to take his raincoat with him to school and also a broken remote control, which left Taylor thinking…

My parents were officially the weirdest parents in the entire universe.

            The remote was exactly where I remembered leaving it – under a pile of old Marvin and Ze Pink Paper Kups fanzines and Ralph’s Underwear Models catalogs. It still had a pizza stain on the send button. And it still did absolutely nothing when I pointed it at the TV and pressed any button.

            I tucked the remote into my pocket and went downstairs. Mom and the Hippie had maneuvered the vacant Jess in front of the door and were holding the keys to her relatively new Prius in their hands.

            “Drive safe,” said Mom, “And remember, come home directly after school. Do not dawdle.”

            “Who says dawdle anymore?” I asked.

            Mom’s eyes could have laser inscribed their message on the side of a M1A1.

            “Okay,” I said, “I’ll come home right after school.”

            “Good,” and she handed me the keys.

            “Your raincoat?” The Hippie reminded, handing me the heavy industrial strength plastic poncho.

            I looked outside at the bright, sunny, cloud free day and then, shaking my head, I took the coat. Some fights just weren’t worth it.

            “If you should run into anything… unexpected… put on the coat, immediately,” said the Hippie.

            “Unexpected like what?” I asked sarcastically, “Is it going to rain cats and dogs?”

            The Hippie did not share my sense of humor.

            “Right after school,” Mom repeated and then pushed me and Jess out the front door.

            As we shambled to the car, I looked at the blank faced Jess and said, “You are so lucky to be a vegetable right now.”

            I opened the passenger door and helped Jess inside, making sure to fasten her seatbelt. I threw the raincoat and remote into the back seat, and then rubbing my hands together got into the driver’s side and adjusted the mirrors.

            I turned on the car and immediately squirmed at the horrible noise it was making. I quickly reached over and turned off the MP3 player that had been mangling a Lady Gaga song. Peace and quiet and electric aided engine noises remained. I looked both ways then pulled out of the driveway.

            We drove along in silence. Jess stared out the window – mostly because she was frozen in that direction – and I was lost in thought. There had been so many weird things happening in just the first hour of the morning, that I hadn’t even had a few seconds to properly process them all. However, just as I was starting to sense a distressing pattern to everything, Jess’s medicine’s side-effects started to wear off.

            She turned and looked at me and said, “Nice cow.”

            I had no idea what she meant, but before I was able to ask, the parking lot at Clint Eastwood High School clamored for my attention. I drove in past the statue of the 43^rd President and found a spot in Jocks Row near the gym and parked. I got several ugly stares, but I didn’t care. This wasn’t my car.

            As a fiendish smile crossed my face, I climbed out and went around to the passenger door and helped Jess out of the car. She was capable of walking now, even if she didn’t particularly have any clue where she was walking just yet.

            I let her go and watched as she walked away.

After a few feet she stopped and turned back to me and said, “Thank you, Bananas Foster.”

I was still smiling when she disappeared into the crowd heading into school, but then I saw Bethany Coulter walking into school and my smile quickly turned upside down.

            I had to find the Geek Guard before the first bell.

To be continued...