Episode Seven: Eyes on the Prize

In our last episode: Chris gave the outline of his plan for talking to Bethany Coulter – one word, Pheromones. Before Chris could give any details of this plan, however, Taylor had to rush off to his first class – an American History exam – which he likely failed miserably. After the test, Taylor headed for lunch and realized that…

            My appointment with Bethany Coulter could no longer wait.

            I walked across the cafeteria to where Chris, Brett, and our other friend, Mike Sugars, were already eating. As I crossed the cafeteria I had the very odd feeling that everyone in the room was watching my progress and that the usual din of conversation subsided into a dull roar.

            Just as I was about to reach the table, however, I was very nearly tackled by my twin sister, Jess.

            “What the hell?” she asked me, her nostrils flaring with pure outrage.

            “Excuse me?” I replied.

            Realizing that everyone was now looking at us, she closed the space between us and contorted her voice into a lower octave that somehow still managed to convey all the same rage as before and added barely constrained muscle twitches in her face and neck to emphasize her point. That and she punctuated each-and-ev-ery-syl-lab-ble-with-a-fing-er POKE!

            “Last thing I remember,” she poked, “I was heading downstairs for breakfast. Next thing I know, I’m standing in gym class with no recollection of how I got there… And with my gym clothes on backwards!”

            “The Hippie,” I replied.

            Her anger subsided into horror. “The medicine… Again?!”

            “Yeah… I drove you to school,” I replied.

            “Well… that explains some of it…,” she muttered, her fury bleeding out of her at an alarming rate, “Is it true you’re asking Bethany Coulter to the prom?”

            “What?” It was my turn to be shocked and outraged, “Where did you hear that?”

            “Are you kidding?” she replied. “It’s all over the school.”

            I rolled my eyes and looked around the room. It was no wonder the entire school was watching me. It was the equivalent of watching a car crash – people were eager to see me completely mangle myself in public.

            “No,” I countered. “Mom wanted me to invite her over after school.”

            “Why the hell would Mom…”

            The force of my incredulous stare stopped her words in mid-thought.

            “Yeah… I guess you’re right,” Jess said. “Well, good luck with that…”

            And she walked off, leaving me to my impossible assignment.

            I sat down hard at the table of my so-called friends and asked, “Why does the entire school know that I’m going to talk to Bethany?”

            They all looked down at their lunch boxes and pretended I hadn’t spoken.

            “I knew this was a bad idea,” I muttered.

            “Or a brilliant one,” Chris replied. “Right now, everyone out there assumes you’re going to crash and burn in a fiery spectacle of social suicide.”

            “Once again, you’re not making this any better,” I noted.

            “BUT… if you succeed… if you manage to get Bethany to come home with you, you will be KING, my friend! Everyone chick in school will want to date you and every guy will want to be you.”

            “I’m betting on the social pariah scenario myself,” Brett said between mouthfuls of crust-less PB&J sandwich.

            “At best its even odds,” noted Mike, who was heavily involved with whatever he was doing on his laptop.

            “Chris… I’m not asking her on a date. I just need to pass on my message and then leave,” I explained yet again.

            “Yeah, but they don’t know that. To their eyes and ears, you are asking her to the prom. Hell, you might as well be asking her to marry you. It’s the same thing to small minded high school kids. Look… don’t worry about the implications. I’ve got you covered no matter what. My plan is foolproof.”

            “What is your plan?”

            “Okay, have you ever noticed that Bethany hangs out with all the jocks?”

            “Yeah.”

            “And what do jocks have that you don’t have?”

            “Talent… muscles… girls…”

            “Yes. And one more important ingredient…”

            “Good looks?”

            “Stench.”

            “Stench?”
            “They practically reek of it – Athelete’s Foot, body spray, sweaty gym clothes…”

            “And this is something I should aspire to?”

            “No… and yes. You see, scent is the most powerful aphrodisiac… There pheromones are the thing that drives young girls mad with lust. If you smell like them, Bethany will be attracted to you. As I said, its got a thirty percent chance to work.”

            “You want me to smell like a jock… and that’s going to get Bethany to come home with me?”

            “Pretty brilliant idea, right?”

            “That is the most insane, absolutely god-awful, worst idea that I’ve ever…”

            Someone tapped me on the shoulder.

            “…ever heard in my entire miserable life, Chris. If you honestly think that such a plan… (tap, tap, tap)…could ever possibly work… (Tap, Tap, Tap)… then you’ve got something seriously wrong with your brain my friend. (TAP! TAP!) WHAT?!”

            I spun around to see who had been tapping me on the shoulder so damn insistently.

            Bethany Coulter backed away from me as I screamed at her, but she quickly recovered herself and just looked annoyed.

            “I heard you were looking for me,” she said.

            My mouth flopped open uselessly.

            “I’m sorry if I interrupted your conversation,” she noted.

            I closed my mouth, took a deep breath, and said, “Bethany, can I talk to you outside for a moment?”

            She nodded and turned for the door. The second she was out of earshot, I turned to Chris and whispered, “Make me stink!”

To be continued...